Fernando Alonso says he disobeyed McLaren's orders to save fuel during the Canadian Grand Prix because he was trying to have some fun fighting with other drivers.
"I don't want, I don't want," said Alonso on the radio. "I have really big problems now, driving with these and looking like amateurs.
"So I race and then I concentrate on the fuel."
Alonso said his plan was to save the fuel later when he was in clean air, but he retired from the race with car problems.
"We had to save a lot of fuel at this track, and right from the first lap I was told to save fuel, but I was in the middle of a few battles," he explained after the race.
"We are 35 km/h behind Ferrari on the straights, we had to save fuel, we had to save tyres because we were stopping once, and I was fighting with them.
"After two or three message I told them to let me fight now and have some fun and then I'll save fuel at the end of the race when were are alone."
Critics want to "crush" McLaren
Alonso has retired from the last three races, the first time in his F1 career that he has failed to finish three times in a row.
He says McLaren is simply going through a bad streak.
"It is what it is," said Alonso. "I know from the outside they want to crush us. We are going through a bad streak and we can't do anything else but continue working.
"The team is doing all it can and there will be better moments.
"Now what we have to do is work and look at every detail of the car.
"As I always say, it's better to have it happen now than when you are fighting for a podium or a race win."
McLaren move still right
Alonso insisted he continues to believe in the McLaren-Honda project despite the dismal season the team has endured so far, as he reckons he needed to try something different to try to catch Mercedes.
"We can't forget we were here last year finishing fifth or sixth desperate because there was no one who could catch Mercedes," he said.
"Instead of being fighting for sixth or seventh we took a risky decision, which was going to McLaren-Honda.
"This year we are paying the price of it being the first year and having a lot of things to do, but otherwise I'd be here talking about having finished fifth or sixth.
"I believe in this project. I'm enjoying the experience. Everything I see has coherence and optimistism for the future, which is something I couldn't see before. So, patience."